MORE MORE MORE (continued)

I have tasted freedom. I have tasted Joy. I have tasted Love.
I have tasted these things and have realized what I am fighting for.... what I am living for. I have been sooooo overwhelmed with joy and have had such a strong sense of peace lately.... and to think that this is all just a TASTE.... This is all just a small piece of what Gods love really is like. He has so much that he wants to offer us and to pour out on us. this is just the beginning... the beginning of the beginning.
I do not want crumbs... or something to snack on... I want the full blown three course meal with dessert. I want the banquet. =)
Im longing for a raging fire that consumes me... every part of me. I dont want your average camp fire, I want a enormous forest fire that is so contagious and affects everything in its path.
" HOW CAN I STAND HERE WITH YOU AND NOT BE MOVED?!"


TODAY:
The colors are more vibrant
The sun is shining brighter
The snow holds more beauty
The water is more refreshing
The wind is less harsh
The grass is greener
The oceans are calmer
The nights are less restless
The days are more joyful
The dreams are more vivid
The birds fly higher
The people are waking.
<3

MORE MORE MORE

AHHHHH! I WANT MORE! IM SO HUNGRY. SO THIRSTY. MORE LORD MORE!!
HAHAHAHAHAH OHHHH BOY. I CANNOT EVEN CONTAIN THIS JOY!!! =)
I GOTTA GO DANCE =)


SO THIS WILL HAVE TO BE CONTINUED! ;)

Pressing on to new life.

My Heart is lifted.
It has been shaken, it has been broken.It has been dark, heavy and unsettled.
It has been searching for clarity and joy.Praise God, my heart has been lifted.
It has found a new chapter. and this is only the first page. Its like one of those really good stories that you never want to put down, because you are just so eager to find out the ending. Im waiting, eagerly waiting on the Lord, the author and perfecter of my faith, to see what he holds for me! I wonder often what is going to be coming next, and I just think about how sweet it will be, because the Lord has promised to finish the good works he has started in us. Even in the hardships, and times of trial, He is there, making us ready. Preparing us for whats to come. The Lord is victorious in everything, when troubles come, he leads and sustains us.
Every time we fall, He is always faithful to pick us up and to place us back ontop of the rock.

In church this past sunday, we were finishing up a series called the game of life, and every week we discussed a different board game, often connecting the idea behind the game and the rules and everything else, and comparing it to how we want to play by our rules and go through life with the mindset that it is just a game.... well anyway... the last sermon for this series was on the game of perfection. and the message was about how we try to play the game of perfection in our everyday lives and especially with our faith. That after a while we move to a position where we seem to think that we need to earn our salvation. We worry so much about measuring up, and making ourselves look like we always have everytihng together, because well.... we seem to think that everyone around us has it all together so we must too! I have always struggled with this, I always saw the christians around me to be so strong, to have everything going right for them, and i thought i was the only one who stuggled. but that is just simply not true! we have a habit of comparing everything we know about ourselves to everything we DONT know about everyone else.
He also gave this incredibly breathtaking and beautiful analogy, referring to the fact that we cannot do anything to earn our salvation... he said... God is the initiator, our salvation isnt because of our works, its because God walked across the dance floor To US. HE ASKED US to dance with HIM. The most attractive person in the room is asking you to dance with him, HE initiated you."


How beautiful is that?!?! I never thought of it like that before, but let me tell you,every time I think about Jesus walking over to little ol me at a big dance, and asking me to dance....i just cry like a big ol baby :)


Like I said before, The Lord is moving me into a season of restoration. restoring my faith, my heart, my body, soul and mind. He is bringing me back to wholeness. Bringing me back to life. The past month has been a big transition for me... I moved back home really last minute, registered for classes here last minute, have been scrambling to find a job, learning how to interact with my mom on a daily basis, plugging in with my church here, and to finally tune into my own heart and to sort things out. If you didnt catch on by now... it was all kinda really thrown together last minute. so in the begining I was a bit nervous as to how the whole thing would pan out.... But I can honestly say that I am so happy I decided to come home, i really believe it was one of the best decisions i could of made for myself! I am being given that time that I need to figure things out, and really press in and to seek out the path that is laid out for me.
I cannot tell you how much lighter, and free-er I feel. I feel like Me!
And OH how GOOD it feels to feel like myself again.... Don't get me wrong I do miss brockport and the people that i will forever consider family :)
I miss you all so very much, so much so that I often sit in my room and think about you all and all the outrageous times we had and then i laugh uncontrollably... which then often leads to tears. But they are always happy tears, because you all have blessed me in ways that will forever be in my heart. And theyre happy tears because i know that we are forever friends and I WILL be seeing you all again, at some point. I have learned so much from my time there, and though it was short, it will be long lived in my heart. =) and it was a stepping stone that God laid out for me to be able to get to where im going!

Ive been in the back seat for far too long, its time for me to hop on up tot he passenger seat. In order for me to sit in a place where I can get a better view of where the Lord wants to take me. So were departing on our roadtrip and I call Shotgun!



i hope all of this made sense... its almost 230 am i still have homework and im exhuasted.... But i have 2 job interviews in the next few days (PRAISE GOD)
so g'nite all.
<3

restoration.

Restoration:an act of restoring, or in the condition of being restored.
a bringing back to a former position or condition.
Restoring: to bring to a unimpaired or improved condition.


I believe that the Lord is doing a restoring work in me. He is restoring me into the person he intended me to me. Restoring me back to LIFE. For a while there, I could'nt even recognize myself, but I am being restored. :)

" Bring restoration.
YOU bring restoration, to my soul.
you take my mourning and turn it into dancing
you take my weeping and turn it into laughing
you take my mourning and turn it into dancing
you take my sadness and turn it into JOY."

God is Faithful. God is True. God is Good.

I want to spill my guts without anyone trying to clean them up

I think im developing insomnia...


I want to get away from you.
I want to get away from me.
I want to get away from that place.
I want to be free.
Free from you
Free from me.

Letting go: something that I don't think I will ever be able to fully understand.
I wish i could just let go.
Let go and rise like this smoke that threatens to smother.
To rise above all of the grays of this life.
To let the wind take me and twirl me around.
Take me and leave all of this behind.



OH. what i could give to dream.
i dont remember the last time i had a dream.
My mind wanders, often very far away.
But never to that sunny place where i long to stay.
Maybe because im scared, because i know ill have to leave.
Untill then ill just keep telling myself that i really do believe.




Overwhelmed. Embaressed. Sad. Frustrated. Disappointed. Confused. Happy. Hungry. Searching. Indifferent. Angry. Comfortable. Hurt. Spontanious. Wild. Crazy. Free. Trapped. Love. Betrayed. Hopeful. Defeated. Pain. Perserverence.

I dont know what to do with what i feel.
Maybe thats because i dont know what I feel.
Its been something ive been trying to figure out for 2 years.
Its a roller coaster, and im getting sick of this ride.
My mind is racing a million miles a minute. ( i think im getting motion sickness.)
going way to fast, i just need more time.


I always wonder why it is soooo easy to destroy everything that we've built.
Things that we have worked soooo damn hard on. Gone before our eyes.
It takes YEARS to build these bridges and to fill in the gaps, but only seconds to watch them tumble to the ground.



I want to dance, but i seem to have lost my dancing shoes. Or perhaps someone stole them.
have you seen them?
I want them back.
Dancing was the closest thing to flying I could get.
Spinning and twirling around, watching everything around me quickly becoming a colorful blur.
it felt like in that moment, time had stopped. Floating.
I want them back.
My legs are broken now, they dont sway the way they used to.
But man they can run.
Running away from everything uncomfortable, anything unknown, everything bad, anything good.
Running.
But i want to DANCE.



Im falling. I have fallen. I have gotten back up.
IM F
A
L
L
I
N
G
again, AGAIN, again, and again.
.......... ugh..................
I really did it this time,
i even have the marks to prove it.
what was i thinking?!?!
I dont know.
was i thinking??
its nothing. its not a big deal ( it is a big deal)
its one time
it wont happen again ( thats what i said last time.)
Ask me, show me that you care. ( dont bother because i wont tell you.)
well Corinne, add it to the list.
Im sure it wont be the last. ( i hope it is.)
Im human, i make mistakes. and im sure ill learn from them one day...



" Whats the use in pretending, if you cant pretend forever?"
thats a good question, and the answer i do not know.
Pretend that everything is okay.
Pretend that everything is not.




I wish for sunny days in the spring, when its not too cold but not too hot. when everything is just right.
I long to get in my car, roll the windows down, blast my music and just drive.
I LOVE THAT
even if i got stuck in traffic, id be okay with that because at least i know im actually heading somewhere.


Im thirsty.
but you wouldnt think so, by all of these empty bottles.
Those bottles never quenched my thirst, they only left me PARCHED.


I wish that thinking really lead to doing.
if my thoughts really transcribed to my actions, i think id be better off.
I want out.
wheres the exit? i cannot find it.
what would the world look like if 'wanting was the same as doing and thinking became knowing?'

" in every oppertunity theres a difficulty, and in every difficulty theres an oppertunity."


It's almost four in the morning ( when im writing this.) and im still awake.
Sometimes i really like staying up this late because the whole house is asleep.
Peaceful and quiet.
But gosh, the silence can be sooo loud.
shhhh shut up, i cant hear myself think.
all i do is hear myself think.
turn it off.
A few hours ago it was wednesday and now its thursday.
ughh i dont want to think about today, because i cant even get ahold of yesterday
and im still worrying about next week!



home.
ive been home for almost two weeks, and ill be there for another three.
i love being home.
or do I...
just love what home is suppose to represent?
i dont know..
but i do know that..
I LOVE my friends.... i really really love these knuckleheads. :)
they take my mind off of things.
Theres nothing like a group of old friends all in a new season.
This is new. This is scary. This is exciting.
This is something i wish to never lose.
They are something i wish to never lose.
I have come to notice that it is too rare that i smile.
I mean yeah, i laugh over everything, but to really smile, for my HEART to smile.
and when I am with them, IT DOES.
and when I am at true north, IT DOES.
and when i drive around, windows down, music up, IT DOES.
and when im reliving the good ol days, at a show, with the live music pulsing through my body, IT DOES.
and when i play field hockey, IT DOES.
and when my brother makes me laugh so hard at the dinner table, that i need to leave the room, IT DOES.
Maybe home isnt just a place, but a feeling.
and im on a mission to find more things that make my heart smile.



I really love music. like really really love it.
I find it so much easier to relate to a song.
it gives words and meanings to what im feeling.
and it has so much passion.
it excites me, it relaxes me.
in fact i think my ipod is done charging... i think ill try to sleep now.
so PINK! .... sing me to sleep please.... thank you.

when it rains.... it pours....

My mind is spinning in circles and my heart is trying desperately to catch up. But its a race that I'll never win. Over taken by the confusion and chaos of this life. I just need to breathe...to take a step back and remember the bigger picture here, to remember the promise on which I stand. Time... Time is something that im growing to despise more and more every day. It never stops! No matter how nicely I ask, No matter how hard I beg.... it keeps going, dragging me along for the ride. Time, is free.... but it's not priceless, you cannot own it, you cannot keep it.... but you can spend it and once you lose it, you can never get it back. This is a constant battle im in... fighting for control. Im not willing to give it up...I just want things to go a certain way, I want to have the right answers and I want them now. I know in my heart that this will never happen... so why am I holding on so tightly?.... or is it possible that I could find the right answers and that im just looking in the wrong places....I constantly overlook the one thing that has never let me down... the one thing that has never failed me. God never intended for his children to feel lost and confused... he never intended it to be a struggle to find him... because he is never far off. Jesus said in Matthew 11: 28-30 " Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest in your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." He calls us to have child like faith...He just wants us to sit with him, and for us to let him be the answer to our every question. He doesnt want our hearts to be in turmoil... he wants us to find rest and peace in him. There may be pain in the night.... but His JOY comes in the morning. No one said this life was going to be easy and carefree, but we have been promised hope, joy, rest and triumph by God, by the living God, who loves us so immensely that we cant even begin to wrap our heads around it.

I NEED TO GET BACK TO THIS. I need to have faith like a child, to go and run into my fathers arms. Ive made my relationship with God into an equation... into something that is so complicated. Something that it was never intended to be. I just need to go back to the basics... make it simple. I just need to step back for a little while... to just remove myself from my surroundings..Ive heard time and time again that I need to be able to seperate myself from my feelings... and maybe thats right ... maybe I do... But I dont have a clue on how to do that. Ive invested my feelings and my heart into so many things... into so many people.... I dont know how to get that all back. So maybe in order to seperate myself from my feelings... I need to seperate myself from those things and those people that all of my feelings have been put into for the time being. I am Broken.... so Incredibly broken... Im so desperate for change.... so desperate for God to come and invade my life... that Im willing to do just about anything.

This could be the worst thing I could do right now.... "to walk away from the one thing I need here, the one good thing i have here".... but then again it could be the best thing for me... Because im not walking away from the one thing I need here... Im not walking away from God... and thats the one thing I NEED. I dont view it as walking away.... Im taking steps towards where I feel like I need to be. And if through this i crash and burn... I am trusting that the Lord will pull through like he has every other time... But if this is in fact a "mistake" Its one that im gunna need to make.... one that I need to do on my own.

I need my faith to be just that... MY FAITH. I need to be able to say that this is what i believe, because I believe it with every fiber of my being. I have grown more than I have ever expected in the past year and a half.... I have had questions answered... and in that... also many more questions...And I am Soooo thankful and so blessed by all of it.... but its time to go deeper, its time to break through more... It might be painful but i have a feeling that the Joy and Freedom that will come will make it that much more worth it.

God I asked you for shelter, then I begged you for the rain....

okay im gunna be a little selfish here... : /

I have just one question for *you.....
WHY?!
Why was i not worthy of your love and your time?
Why did you leave, and never look back?
Why do I think about you all the time, when you never gave me a second thought?
Why was it so easy for you to walk away?
Why could you move on, and here i am, stuck in the same spot?
Why cant this make sense to me?.
Why cant i get the answers that i deserve?
Why was I a regret, and something that you had to leave, rather than something that you cherished?
Why can you love those other kids, that arent even yours when you have two of your own?
Why do I hate you, even tho you didnt ever give the chance?
Just please, explain to me why?

Sometimes i feel so dumb for wondering these things.... why should i waste my time on someone who never gave two s---- about me? Sometimes i wonder what you think about when October third rolls around.... i wonder if you think of me, if you even remember my name?....or if to you its just another day. I dont understand... i just dont, and i might never understand....

I dont understand how your parents are the people in your life that are never suppose to leave, but you were the first one gone.


"Im forced to fake a smile a laugh every day of my life,
my heart cant possibly break when it wasnt even whole to start with.
because of you i never strayed too far ffrom the side walk.
because of you i learned to play on the safe side so i dont get hurt.
Because of you i find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me,
because of you i am afraid. "


" and now i cry in the middle of the night for the same damn thing.....
Because of you, i never strayed to far from the sidewalk,
because of you i learned toplay on the safe side so i dont get hurt because of you i try my hardest just to forget everything
because of you i dont know how to let anyone else in
because of you im ashamed of my life because its empty...... "



Sometimes I get really upsett because i feel like i really missed out on something.... but really when i think about it, your the one who missed out...So "dad" i hope your happy now....I'll be praying for you....