Wednesday, November 18, 2009

when it rains.... it pours....

My mind is spinning in circles and my heart is trying desperately to catch up. But its a race that I'll never win. Over taken by the confusion and chaos of this life. I just need to take a step back and remember the bigger picture here, to remember the promise on which I stand. Time... Time is something that im growing to despise more and more every day. It never stops! No matter how nicely I ask, No matter how hard I beg.... it keeps going, dragging me along for the ride. Time, is free.... but it's not priceless, you cannot own it, you cannot keep it.... but you can spend it and once you lose it, you can never get it back. This is a constant battle im in... fighting for control. Im not willing to give it up...I just want things to go a certain way, I want to have the right answers and I want them now. I know in my heart that this will never happen... so why am I holding on so tightly?.... or is it possible that I could find the right answers and that im just looking in the wrong places....I constantly overlook the one thing that has never let me down... the one thing that has never failed me. God never intended for his children to feel lost and confused... he never intended it to be a struggle to find him... because he is never far off. Jesus said in Matthew 11: 28-30 " Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest in your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." He calls us to have child like faith...He just wants us to sit with him, and for us to let him be the answer to our every question. He doesnt want our hearts to be in turmoil... he wants us to find rest and peace in him. There may be pain in the night.... but His JOY comes in the morning. No one said this life was going to be easy and carefree, but we have been promised hope, joy, rest and triumph by God, by the living God, who loves us so immensely that we cant even begin to wrap our heads around it.

I NEED TO GET BACK TO THIS. I need to have faith like a child, to go and run into my fathers arms. Ive made my relationship with God into an equation... into something that is so complicated. Something that it was never intended to be. I just need to go back to the basics... make it simple. I just need to step back for a little while... to just remove myself from my surroundings..Ive heard time and time again that I need to be able to seperate myself from my feelings... and maybe thats right ... maybe I do... But I dont have a clue on how to do that. Ive invested my feelings and my heart into so many things... into so many people.... I dont know how to get that all back. So maybe in order to seperate myself from my feelings... I need to seperate myself from those things and those people that all of my feelings have been put into for the time being. I am Broken.... so Incredibly broken... Im so desperate for change.... so desperate for God to come and invade my life... that Im willing to do just about anything.

This could be the worst thing I could do right now.... "to walk away from the one thing I need here, the one good thing i have here".... but then again it could be the best thing for me... Because im not walking away from the one thing I need here... Im not walking away from God... and thats the one thing I NEED. I dont view it as walking away.... Im taking steps towards where I feel like I need to be. And if through this i crash and burn... I am trusting that the Lord will pull through like he has every other time... But if this is in fact a "mistake" Its one that im gunna need to make.... one that I need to do on my own.

I need my faith to be just that... MY FAITH. I need to be able to say that this is what i believe, because I believe it with every fiber of my being. I have grown more than I have ever expected in the past year and a half.... I have had questions answered... and in that... also many more questions...And I am Soooo thankful and so blessed by all of it.... but its time to go deeper, its time to break through more... It might be painful but i have a feeling that the Joy and Freedom that will come will make it that much more worth it.

God I asked you for shelter, then I begged you for the rain....