Thursday, December 31, 2009

I want to spill my guts without anyone trying to clean them up

I think im developing insomnia...

I want to get away from you.
I want to get away from me.
I want to get away from that place.
I want to be free.
Free from you
Free from me.

Letting go: something that I don't think I will ever be able to fully understand.
I wish i could just let go.
Let go and rise like this smoke that threatens to smother.
To rise above all of the grays of this life.
To let the wind take me and twirl me around.
Take me and leave all of this behind.

OH. what i could give to dream.
i dont remember the last time i had a dream.
My mind wanders, often very far away.
But never to that sunny place where i long to stay.
Maybe because im scared, because i know ill have to leave.
Untill then ill just keep telling myself that i really do believe.

Overwhelmed. Embaressed. Sad. Frustrated. Disappointed. Confused. Happy. Hungry. Searching. Indifferent. Angry. Comfortable. Hurt. Spontanious. Wild. Crazy. Free. Trapped. Love. Betrayed. Hopeful. Defeated. Pain. Perserverence.

I dont know what to do with what i feel.
Maybe thats because i dont know what I feel.
Its been something ive been trying to figure out for 2 years.
Its a roller coaster, and im getting sick of this ride.
My mind is racing a million miles a minute. ( i think im getting motion sickness.)
going way to fast, i just need more time.

I always wonder why it is soooo easy to destroy everything that we've built.
Things that we have worked soooo damn hard on. Gone before our eyes.
It takes YEARS to build these bridges and to fill in the gaps, but only seconds to watch them tumble to the ground.

I want to dance, but i seem to have lost my dancing shoes. Or perhaps someone stole them.
have you seen them?
I want them back.
Dancing was the closest thing to flying I could get.
Spinning and twirling around, watching everything around me quickly becoming a colorful blur.
it felt like in that moment, time had stopped. Floating.
I want them back.
My legs are broken now, they dont sway the way they used to.
But man they can run.
Running away from everything uncomfortable, anything unknown, everything bad, anything good.
But i want to DANCE.

Im falling. I have fallen. I have gotten back up.
again, AGAIN, again, and again.
.......... ugh..................
I really did it this time,
i even have the marks to prove it.
what was i thinking?!?!
I dont know.
was i thinking??
its nothing. its not a big deal ( it is a big deal)
its one time
it wont happen again ( thats what i said last time.)
Ask me, show me that you care. ( dont bother because i wont tell you.)
well Corinne, add it to the list.
Im sure it wont be the last. ( i hope it is.)
Im human, i make mistakes. and im sure ill learn from them one day...

" Whats the use in pretending, if you cant pretend forever?"
thats a good question, and the answer i do not know.
Pretend that everything is okay.
Pretend that everything is not.

I wish for sunny days in the spring, when its not too cold but not too hot. when everything is just right.
I long to get in my car, roll the windows down, blast my music and just drive.
even if i got stuck in traffic, id be okay with that because at least i know im actually heading somewhere.

Im thirsty.
but you wouldnt think so, by all of these empty bottles.
Those bottles never quenched my thirst, they only left me PARCHED.

I wish that thinking really lead to doing.
if my thoughts really transcribed to my actions, i think id be better off.
I want out.
wheres the exit? i cannot find it.
what would the world look like if 'wanting was the same as doing and thinking became knowing?'

" in every oppertunity theres a difficulty, and in every difficulty theres an oppertunity."

It's almost four in the morning ( when im writing this.) and im still awake.
Sometimes i really like staying up this late because the whole house is asleep.
Peaceful and quiet.
But gosh, the silence can be sooo loud.
shhhh shut up, i cant hear myself think.
all i do is hear myself think.
turn it off.
A few hours ago it was wednesday and now its thursday.
ughh i dont want to think about today, because i cant even get ahold of yesterday
and im still worrying about next week!

ive been home for almost two weeks, and ill be there for another three.
i love being home.
or do I...
just love what home is suppose to represent?
i dont know..
but i do know that..
I LOVE my friends.... i really really love these knuckleheads. :)
they take my mind off of things.
Theres nothing like a group of old friends all in a new season.
This is new. This is scary. This is exciting.
This is something i wish to never lose.
They are something i wish to never lose.
I have come to notice that it is too rare that i smile.
I mean yeah, i laugh over everything, but to really smile, for my HEART to smile.
and when I am with them, IT DOES.
and when I am at true north, IT DOES.
and when i drive around, windows down, music up, IT DOES.
and when im reliving the good ol days, at a show, with the live music pulsing through my body, IT DOES.
and when i play field hockey, IT DOES.
and when my brother makes me laugh so hard at the dinner table, that i need to leave the room, IT DOES.
Maybe home isnt just a place, but a feeling.
and im on a mission to find more things that make my heart smile.

I really love music. like really really love it.
I find it so much easier to relate to a song.
it gives words and meanings to what im feeling.
and it has so much passion.
it excites me, it relaxes me.
in fact i think my ipod is done charging... i think ill try to sleep now.
so PINK! .... sing me to sleep please.... thank you.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

when it rains.... it pours....

My mind is spinning in circles and my heart is trying desperately to catch up. But its a race that I'll never win. Over taken by the confusion and chaos of this life. I just need to take a step back and remember the bigger picture here, to remember the promise on which I stand. Time... Time is something that im growing to despise more and more every day. It never stops! No matter how nicely I ask, No matter how hard I beg.... it keeps going, dragging me along for the ride. Time, is free.... but it's not priceless, you cannot own it, you cannot keep it.... but you can spend it and once you lose it, you can never get it back. This is a constant battle im in... fighting for control. Im not willing to give it up...I just want things to go a certain way, I want to have the right answers and I want them now. I know in my heart that this will never happen... so why am I holding on so tightly?.... or is it possible that I could find the right answers and that im just looking in the wrong places....I constantly overlook the one thing that has never let me down... the one thing that has never failed me. God never intended for his children to feel lost and confused... he never intended it to be a struggle to find him... because he is never far off. Jesus said in Matthew 11: 28-30 " Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest in your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." He calls us to have child like faith...He just wants us to sit with him, and for us to let him be the answer to our every question. He doesnt want our hearts to be in turmoil... he wants us to find rest and peace in him. There may be pain in the night.... but His JOY comes in the morning. No one said this life was going to be easy and carefree, but we have been promised hope, joy, rest and triumph by God, by the living God, who loves us so immensely that we cant even begin to wrap our heads around it.

I NEED TO GET BACK TO THIS. I need to have faith like a child, to go and run into my fathers arms. Ive made my relationship with God into an equation... into something that is so complicated. Something that it was never intended to be. I just need to go back to the basics... make it simple. I just need to step back for a little while... to just remove myself from my surroundings..Ive heard time and time again that I need to be able to seperate myself from my feelings... and maybe thats right ... maybe I do... But I dont have a clue on how to do that. Ive invested my feelings and my heart into so many things... into so many people.... I dont know how to get that all back. So maybe in order to seperate myself from my feelings... I need to seperate myself from those things and those people that all of my feelings have been put into for the time being. I am Broken.... so Incredibly broken... Im so desperate for change.... so desperate for God to come and invade my life... that Im willing to do just about anything.

This could be the worst thing I could do right now.... "to walk away from the one thing I need here, the one good thing i have here".... but then again it could be the best thing for me... Because im not walking away from the one thing I need here... Im not walking away from God... and thats the one thing I NEED. I dont view it as walking away.... Im taking steps towards where I feel like I need to be. And if through this i crash and burn... I am trusting that the Lord will pull through like he has every other time... But if this is in fact a "mistake" Its one that im gunna need to make.... one that I need to do on my own.

I need my faith to be just that... MY FAITH. I need to be able to say that this is what i believe, because I believe it with every fiber of my being. I have grown more than I have ever expected in the past year and a half.... I have had questions answered... and in that... also many more questions...And I am Soooo thankful and so blessed by all of it.... but its time to go deeper, its time to break through more... It might be painful but i have a feeling that the Joy and Freedom that will come will make it that much more worth it.

God I asked you for shelter, then I begged you for the rain....

Saturday, February 14, 2009

okay im gunna be a little selfish here... : /

I have just one question for *you.....
Why was i not worthy of your love and your time?
Why did you leave, and never look back?
Why do I think about you all the time, when you never gave me a second thought?
Why was it so easy for you to walk away?
Why could you move on, and here i am, stuck in the same spot?
Why cant this make sense to me?.
Why cant i get the answers that i deserve?
Why was I a regret, and something that you had to leave, rather than something that you cherished?
Why can you love those other kids, that arent even yours when you have two of your own?
Why do I hate you, even tho you didnt ever give the chance?
Just please, explain to me why?

Sometimes i feel so dumb for wondering these things.... why should i waste my time on someone who never gave two s---- about me? Sometimes i wonder what you think about when October third rolls around.... i wonder if you think of me, if you even remember my name?....or if to you its just another day. I dont understand... i just dont, and i might never understand....

I dont understand how your parents are the people in your life that are never suppose to leave, but you were the first one gone.

"Im forced to fake a smile a laugh every day of my life,
my heart cant possibly break when it wasnt even whole to start with.
because of you i never strayed too far ffrom the side walk.
because of you i learned to play on the safe side so i dont get hurt.
Because of you i find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me,
because of you i am afraid. "

" and now i cry in the middle of the night for the same damn thing.....
Because of you, i never strayed to far from the sidewalk,
because of you i learned toplay on the safe side so i dont get hurt because of you i try my hardest just to forget everything
because of you i dont know how to let anyone else in
because of you im ashamed of my life because its empty...... "

Sometimes I get really upsett because i feel like i really missed out on something.... but really when i think about it, your the one who missed out...So "dad" i hope your happy now....I'll be praying for you....

Thursday, February 5, 2009

new semester, new start!....?

Lately, im feeling things that i never thought i would be able to feel.
Lately, im noticing that some of the things that have been holding me down, hurting me so much, are being loosened.... there still there, but not nearly as strong. Im honestly kind of in shock. Things that i have been praying for so long that they would be healed,Things that i was ready to just give up on....there being healed. God is slowly but surely revealing himself to me, when i thought he never would.
This is so exciting to me....but at the same time, im still terrified.
I want to be open, I want to be ready, I want to be able to hear, be able and ready to respond.
But I can only let myself go so far, before I shut down.
I can only let myself feel so much at a time.
I want things to be good, really i do...But im scared to let them be good, because if there good, they can go bad.... again.....
I find myself focusing so much on the past, to make sure it doesnt repeat its self, but by doing this im taking myself out of the present... I dont want to miss anything in front of me becuase im too busy looking behind.
How come i can realize this but still have no idea what to do with it?!
I've been thinking about this a lot lately.... and came across this....

"i was regretting the past and fearing the future. suddenly my Lord was with me,
"my name is I AM, HE SAID"
he paused, i waited, he continued..
"when you focus on your past, with all its regrets and failures, it is hard. I AM not there. My name is not 'i was'
when you focus on your future, with all its' uncertainty, it is hard too. I AM not there. my name is not 'i will be'
when you live in the moment, it is easy.
I AM here. My name is I AM.


Friday, January 16, 2009

taking over.

Taking over.

These are slowly taking over me.
The lies seem so much louder
I cry out, but feel as if no one hears.
I feel as if the devil is singing over me, never letting go. His grip is getting tighter, leaving me gasping for air. The more I fight him, the tighter he squeezes.
I need him to let go, let me be, I want to be free.
I want to believe in Gods love.
I want to believe that I was meant to live for more.
I want to have a pure heart. I want to have clean hands.

I want to fully rest in Him
I want to truly believe.
But I cant let go.
Theres a free gift in front of me… for me, and yet I can’t take it.
I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve you.
Why do you want me? Why would anyone want me?
This gift, so beautiful,
I reach for it, open a little piece of it, and then it gets snatched from me.
I let it sift through my hands
Time after time.
I want to be a shining star in the sky… I want to shine.
My light is dim, desperately trying to overcome the darkness.
I want to be used for a purpose, I want to help others.
But how can I help others when I cant even help myself.
I cant do this myself.
Im alone, theres a crowd of people around me yet I am alone.
I know your there. But I cant find you. Show yourself to me.
Im begging. You’re my last and only hope.

I am called to be strong, but I am so weak.
I fight for control,(WHY??!!)

I don’t have it and never will.
I want to let go.
Its so hard.
To let go.
That’s what I want.
But im stuck in the raging tides, pulling me away from the shore, slowly drifting.
Im that bug that never learns its lesson, flying towards that bright shiny light.
Flying towards my death.
FIGHT! Turn around. Go back. Don’t leave.
Fight temptation, every second, everyday.
I don’t want to drown.
Redeem this mess I call a life.
Redeem me.
Make me whole.

Save me.
Take baby steps.
Have Faith.
Its not going to be easy, life isn’t easy.
I don’t want to be alone in this.
I cannot do it on my own.
I need you.
I need you.
But I feel so far.
How did I let you get so far from me?
Come back.
Im running to you.
Im running away.
I cant stay.
I want to stay and never move.
But I cant.
Am I choosing fear or faith?

Take away the people, take away the music.
Take away the church.
All that’s left is me and you.
What do I have to show?
I can talk of you but not to you.
I feel foolish.
I am the fool.
I have nothing to lose, and yet I have e v e r y t h i n g to lose.
Im so confused.
How do I get there?
To you.
I want to be with you.
To hear your voice to see your face
To hear you call my name.

I have h o p e.
This is my prayer.
I hope you hear me.

.help me over take them.