Thursday, December 31, 2009

I want to spill my guts without anyone trying to clean them up

I think im developing insomnia...

I want to get away from you.
I want to get away from me.
I want to get away from that place.
I want to be free.
Free from you
Free from me.

Letting go: something that I don't think I will ever be able to fully understand.
I wish i could just let go.
Let go and rise like this smoke that threatens to smother.
To rise above all of the grays of this life.
To let the wind take me and twirl me around.
Take me and leave all of this behind.

OH. what i could give to dream.
i dont remember the last time i had a dream.
My mind wanders, often very far away.
But never to that sunny place where i long to stay.
Maybe because im scared, because i know ill have to leave.
Untill then ill just keep telling myself that i really do believe.

Overwhelmed. Embaressed. Sad. Frustrated. Disappointed. Confused. Happy. Hungry. Searching. Indifferent. Angry. Comfortable. Hurt. Spontanious. Wild. Crazy. Free. Trapped. Love. Betrayed. Hopeful. Defeated. Pain. Perserverence.

I dont know what to do with what i feel.
Maybe thats because i dont know what I feel.
Its been something ive been trying to figure out for 2 years.
Its a roller coaster, and im getting sick of this ride.
My mind is racing a million miles a minute. ( i think im getting motion sickness.)
going way to fast, i just need more time.

I always wonder why it is soooo easy to destroy everything that we've built.
Things that we have worked soooo damn hard on. Gone before our eyes.
It takes YEARS to build these bridges and to fill in the gaps, but only seconds to watch them tumble to the ground.

I want to dance, but i seem to have lost my dancing shoes. Or perhaps someone stole them.
have you seen them?
I want them back.
Dancing was the closest thing to flying I could get.
Spinning and twirling around, watching everything around me quickly becoming a colorful blur.
it felt like in that moment, time had stopped. Floating.
I want them back.
My legs are broken now, they dont sway the way they used to.
But man they can run.
Running away from everything uncomfortable, anything unknown, everything bad, anything good.
But i want to DANCE.

Im falling. I have fallen. I have gotten back up.
again, AGAIN, again, and again.
.......... ugh..................
I really did it this time,
i even have the marks to prove it.
what was i thinking?!?!
I dont know.
was i thinking??
its nothing. its not a big deal ( it is a big deal)
its one time
it wont happen again ( thats what i said last time.)
Ask me, show me that you care. ( dont bother because i wont tell you.)
well Corinne, add it to the list.
Im sure it wont be the last. ( i hope it is.)
Im human, i make mistakes. and im sure ill learn from them one day...

" Whats the use in pretending, if you cant pretend forever?"
thats a good question, and the answer i do not know.
Pretend that everything is okay.
Pretend that everything is not.

I wish for sunny days in the spring, when its not too cold but not too hot. when everything is just right.
I long to get in my car, roll the windows down, blast my music and just drive.
even if i got stuck in traffic, id be okay with that because at least i know im actually heading somewhere.

Im thirsty.
but you wouldnt think so, by all of these empty bottles.
Those bottles never quenched my thirst, they only left me PARCHED.

I wish that thinking really lead to doing.
if my thoughts really transcribed to my actions, i think id be better off.
I want out.
wheres the exit? i cannot find it.
what would the world look like if 'wanting was the same as doing and thinking became knowing?'

" in every oppertunity theres a difficulty, and in every difficulty theres an oppertunity."

It's almost four in the morning ( when im writing this.) and im still awake.
Sometimes i really like staying up this late because the whole house is asleep.
Peaceful and quiet.
But gosh, the silence can be sooo loud.
shhhh shut up, i cant hear myself think.
all i do is hear myself think.
turn it off.
A few hours ago it was wednesday and now its thursday.
ughh i dont want to think about today, because i cant even get ahold of yesterday
and im still worrying about next week!

ive been home for almost two weeks, and ill be there for another three.
i love being home.
or do I...
just love what home is suppose to represent?
i dont know..
but i do know that..
I LOVE my friends.... i really really love these knuckleheads. :)
they take my mind off of things.
Theres nothing like a group of old friends all in a new season.
This is new. This is scary. This is exciting.
This is something i wish to never lose.
They are something i wish to never lose.
I have come to notice that it is too rare that i smile.
I mean yeah, i laugh over everything, but to really smile, for my HEART to smile.
and when I am with them, IT DOES.
and when I am at true north, IT DOES.
and when i drive around, windows down, music up, IT DOES.
and when im reliving the good ol days, at a show, with the live music pulsing through my body, IT DOES.
and when i play field hockey, IT DOES.
and when my brother makes me laugh so hard at the dinner table, that i need to leave the room, IT DOES.
Maybe home isnt just a place, but a feeling.
and im on a mission to find more things that make my heart smile.

I really love music. like really really love it.
I find it so much easier to relate to a song.
it gives words and meanings to what im feeling.
and it has so much passion.
it excites me, it relaxes me.
in fact i think my ipod is done charging... i think ill try to sleep now.
so PINK! .... sing me to sleep please.... thank you.


Heather said...

=]....i love you.

Above all else: Love said...

wow, so brillantly written, seriously. so raw & wonderful that you can write these emotions