Saturday, February 14, 2009

okay im gunna be a little selfish here... : /

I have just one question for *you.....
Why was i not worthy of your love and your time?
Why did you leave, and never look back?
Why do I think about you all the time, when you never gave me a second thought?
Why was it so easy for you to walk away?
Why could you move on, and here i am, stuck in the same spot?
Why cant this make sense to me?.
Why cant i get the answers that i deserve?
Why was I a regret, and something that you had to leave, rather than something that you cherished?
Why can you love those other kids, that arent even yours when you have two of your own?
Why do I hate you, even tho you didnt ever give the chance?
Just please, explain to me why?

Sometimes i feel so dumb for wondering these things.... why should i waste my time on someone who never gave two s---- about me? Sometimes i wonder what you think about when October third rolls around.... i wonder if you think of me, if you even remember my name?....or if to you its just another day. I dont understand... i just dont, and i might never understand....

I dont understand how your parents are the people in your life that are never suppose to leave, but you were the first one gone.

"Im forced to fake a smile a laugh every day of my life,
my heart cant possibly break when it wasnt even whole to start with.
because of you i never strayed too far ffrom the side walk.
because of you i learned to play on the safe side so i dont get hurt.
Because of you i find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me,
because of you i am afraid. "

" and now i cry in the middle of the night for the same damn thing.....
Because of you, i never strayed to far from the sidewalk,
because of you i learned toplay on the safe side so i dont get hurt because of you i try my hardest just to forget everything
because of you i dont know how to let anyone else in
because of you im ashamed of my life because its empty...... "

Sometimes I get really upsett because i feel like i really missed out on something.... but really when i think about it, your the one who missed out...So "dad" i hope your happy now....I'll be praying for you....

Thursday, February 5, 2009

new semester, new start!....?

Lately, im feeling things that i never thought i would be able to feel.
Lately, im noticing that some of the things that have been holding me down, hurting me so much, are being loosened.... there still there, but not nearly as strong. Im honestly kind of in shock. Things that i have been praying for so long that they would be healed,Things that i was ready to just give up on....there being healed. God is slowly but surely revealing himself to me, when i thought he never would.
This is so exciting to me....but at the same time, im still terrified.
I want to be open, I want to be ready, I want to be able to hear, be able and ready to respond.
But I can only let myself go so far, before I shut down.
I can only let myself feel so much at a time.
I want things to be good, really i do...But im scared to let them be good, because if there good, they can go bad.... again.....
I find myself focusing so much on the past, to make sure it doesnt repeat its self, but by doing this im taking myself out of the present... I dont want to miss anything in front of me becuase im too busy looking behind.
How come i can realize this but still have no idea what to do with it?!
I've been thinking about this a lot lately.... and came across this....

"i was regretting the past and fearing the future. suddenly my Lord was with me,
"my name is I AM, HE SAID"
he paused, i waited, he continued..
"when you focus on your past, with all its regrets and failures, it is hard. I AM not there. My name is not 'i was'
when you focus on your future, with all its' uncertainty, it is hard too. I AM not there. my name is not 'i will be'
when you live in the moment, it is easy.
I AM here. My name is I AM.